Shortcomings

oyin                                                                                                    Four to five months after all of the relationship breakups I’ve had in my life, my mind just wanders  to that time I was in the relationship. I’d just sit and think back about all the things that I said and that I thought were true at that point. About the things I did that I thought was romantic but now sounds too stupid to even say out loud. About the idiotic promises I made to myself never to fall again for silly lies. Sometimes I laugh when I think about them. Other times I’m just too baffled about how stupid I once was.
All of these relationships, I’d never given too much out. And none of them lasted for a year. At some point I started thinking either something was wrong with all the people I dated, or something was wrong with me. After each person, I’d be mad and angry, sometimes furious even. Angry with my fresh ex for being so stupid for leaving me, angry with myself for breaking up, angry with both of us for being fools to have even considered going out together. The anger never lasted. And I cried after just one breakup ( I’ve always wished all my life that tears would be very easy for me. The water is just so far away from my eyes, it takes a lot to bring it out), reason being that was the original first time I felt immensely foolish, terribly stupid and partially blind. It had nothing to do with the other person. I still talk to most of them, some who are now friends, some who aren’t worth a millisecond of my 24 hours, some who are nowhere to be found, some who follow my life’s progress secretly and pop up at odd times in my life, etc. I’ve never had that episode after a breakup of eating ice cream or nutella and lying in bed for a week watching romantic movies that ended well and crying endlessly. Mostly I’m just blank about the whole situation. My anger never really lasts, no matter how long I want it to. It’s all oblivion and grey till I start seeing colours in things again. I’ve never had a rebound too, and if I ever did, it was always with books and food or makeup.
I remember after a breakup with someone who’s now a friend, I had walked in the rain for like 30 minutes, entered a salon, made my hair, fixed and painted my nails, and went out in search of the best dinner I could find around.
You see, it’s not that I’m always indifferent about the situations I find myself in. Most times I’d rather work with my head than my heart and any other organ willing to help. Why waste time when there’s still a whole life waiting ahead for you? I have feelings. And I have a heart too. But then I have adequate sense to know it’s not right to waste days on something that isn’t meant to be or shouldn’t have happened. I don’t do the whole relationship advice thing, but if a friend walks up to me and tell me what’s up with a guy in her life and what she’s going through, I’ll have a better understanding of the situation because I’m not the one in the relationship. That’s how it works. You can never clearly see things in your relationship as clear as those outside are seeing it. That’s why most times we go around seeking advice. Most of which are another person’s point of view about your own life. Trust your head to do the thinking for once. Well, except you yourself admit that with complete senses, you’re still stupid, in which case I’ll advice you listen to other’s advice.

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. Chidubem says:

    Beautiful😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Temitope says:

    I’m so proud of you

    Liked by 1 person

  3. oyinaraoye says:

    Ikr! Thanks to both of you!

    Like

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